Codysseus – Κοδυσσευς: A Geek Travesty by Erudil

The man for wisdom's various arts renown'd,
Long exercised in woes, O Muse! resound;
Wandering from clime to clime, observant stray'd,
Their manners noted, and their states survey'd,
On stormy seas unnumber'd toils he bore,
Safe with his friends to gain his natal shore.
--The Odyssey, Pope's translation

Now Perlelope – the fifth of her august lineage – was a direct descendant of Perlelope-I who was the child of the immortal "C" (Ση), known throughout the heavens and the earth for his speed, power, and unforgiving nature, and the mortal Schellia (Σχελλεια), Queen of the land of Unix (Υνιξ) and much admired for her quickness and friendliness. While still a child herself, Perlelope-I found the infant Regex (Ρεγεξ) wandering lonely in the wild vastness of Unix, and, immediately perceiving his extraordinary abilities and future strength, adopted him for her own, bringing him to live with her. When she had come of age, the denizens of Skryptica, seeing her strength and wisdom, declared Perlelope-I the queen of their realm, a title that has been passed down to her descendants.

After enduring a thousand agonies, persistent Codysseus emerged victorious from Akadēmia and, having been awarded the much-prized sheepskin, desired to return home to Skryptica and the lovely Perlelope. But, alas, he and his staunch companions, the graduates, had many a struggle to overcome before reaching his blessed homeland. First, they passed through the land of Lotusnoters (Λωτυσνωtερς). This strange race wrote not code, but only documentation, thus squandering much of the wisdom they had gained from their years of toil at the Akadēmia. It is said that once one eats of the fruit of that country, one loses all desire and ability to return to the land of programmers, and is forever doomed to document the deeds of others.

Gaining the coastland, the intrepid band set about making a sea-worthy vessel to carry them homeward. Their task completed, they ventured out on the briny depths, their brazen prow cleaving the dark waters. By day, brave Codysseus set their course by the sun's blazing path though the heavens, and by night he used the infallible astral guides: bright Pleiades and late-setting Boötes, belted Orion and the great Bear that faces him.

After struggling with unfavourable winds and rough seas for many a long day, the weary graduates were forced to go ashore at a mysterious island to replenish their stocks of food and water. Unfortunately, this land was the home of Coboleus (Κωβολευς), the last remaining individual from a race of one-eyed giants, loathsome in aspect and crude in speech. Now Coboleus was the son of the Titan known as Mainphrame (Μαινφραμε), the formerly all-powerful ruler of the data processing world, who long ago had become aged and decrepit, and upon whom most of the coders of the world had turned their backs in contempt. Although monstrously large, Coboleus was slow and stupid. Because of this, subtle Codysseus and the graduates managed to evade his evil clutches and leave the island, save two or three hapless innocents who fell victim to the millennium bug, a vile pest known to inhabit the fetid sloughs surrounding the realm of Coboleus.

Entrusting themselves again to the trackless expanse of the sea, the adventurers hoisted their canvas and set out. The next place they landed was the realm of the enchantress Circeplusplus (Κιρκηπλυσπλυς).

Insidiously inconsistent and corruptly complex, she too was sired by "C", but had Oopsia (Οοψια) for her mother. Now whereas Perlelope had inherited the best characteristics of her parents, Circeplusplus inherited the worst. Some of the graduates were beguiled by her cunning ways, and she transformed them into swine who were put to wallow in the muck and mire hidden behind the deceitful façade of her false palace. But great-hearted Codysseus, through strength of will, prevailed not only for himself but also for most of his companions, the few weaklings who chose to stay, succumbing to their accurs'd hunger for gold and Circeplusplus's promises of great riches. The company once more put out to sea, continuing their luckless voyage towards Skryptica.

Wise Codysseus then decided to sail for the land of the dead, to seek counsel from the spirit of the most ancient of seers, FORTRAN (Φωρτραν). Now FORTRAN – that sagacious patriarch of innumerable languages, whose aristocratic line extends through nine generations to his last still-living descendant, the age-worn and grey-bearded FORTRAN-95 – spoke long with patient Codysseus, instructing him in the way home, and prophesying of the dangers he still faced. Before leaving the nether realm, our hero held converse with many of the shades from ages past, among them ALGOL, and APL, Pascal and Prolog.

After three and ten days of fair sailing, the ship approached the land of the Sirens (Σιρενς). These evil seducers were daughters of. Helios (Ηελιος) and they lured the unwary by chanting, over and over again, their seductive lie: "Write once, run anywhere". Many a good programmer, captivated by this beguiling mantra, had been lead astray to spend a miserable life in joyless travail. But, having been warned by the venerable FORTRAN, clever Codysseus had his crew fill their ears with beeswax so that they would not hear, although he, determined to see if the stories of the Sirens' song were true, suffered not his ears to be stopp'd. Instead, he had himself bound to the mast of his ship, that he might listen without risk of being compelled to cast his life away.

Finally nearing his blessed home, fearless Codysseus and the graduates had one last obstacle to overcome before setting foot on Skryptica. Their path lay through a treacherous narrows, bounded by two terrifying destroyers of coders' souls. On their left was the sucking whirlpool of death known as Management (Μαναγεμεντ). From this perilous pit, none escape unscathed, for once ensnared within its vortex, they are swallowed-up into an abysmal void of never-ending darkness from which all rational thought has been eradicated. And of the few who return to the land of programmers, none are ever what they once were, for the scars of Management are deep and permanent. On the other side of this doubly-detestable waterway, a tenebrous cave hewn from the living rock of the cliff was home to a savage and invincible beast. Multi-headed and eternally yelping like an angry dog, the insatiable monster known as Techsupport (Τεχσυππωρτ) snatched at all who came within her cruel grasp. Once caught, her victims are eternally tormented by the furious Newbies (Νυβης), a race of vile, ignorant creatures who are always whining, and never allow a moment's rest. As his courageous comrades skillfully smote the foam-flecked sea-swell with their oaken oars, careful Codysseus personally piloted his sturdy ship temerariously towards the hideous hazards. Management he was able to avoid completely, at the cost of losing several of his steadfast companions to the foul clutches of Techsupport. With the anguished cries of those pitiable wretches ringing in their ears, the remaining graduates swiftly rowed away from the dual horrors, thanking heaven that their losses were not worse.

After another three days and four and nights of fair sailing, rosy-fingered Dawn gilt the courts of heaven with her celestial light revealing to the weary crew the golden shores and cloud-capped mountains of Skryptica. Disembarking, grateful Codysseus made oblations for his safe return and proceeded towards his natal home. Nearing the place, he burned with high disdain upon discovering that during his absence several suitors had taken up semi-permanent residence in his former abode. Telling Perlelope that he – the long-awaited Codysseus – would never return, these suitors where urging her to accept one of them as her new husband. By this, of course, each hoped that they would become the new King of Skryptica, taking the scepter for their own. Although most of the suitors were of no account, and do not even warrant mention in this history, there were three who merit remembrance. The first among them was Roobeus (Ροοβευς) a man of noble blood and honourable intentions and the only truly worthy suitor, since he too was of royal blood, being a distant relative of Perlelope. The next was Psython (Ψυθον), a rich merchant, popular with some, but wholly unsuitable to ascend to the throne due to his overbearing nature and lack of flexibility. The last suitor to be here named was Pēatchpe (Πηατχπη), a member of the common rabble, weak and unable to face the world without his supportive and powerful friend from the land of applications, Apache (Απαχη). In the guise of a bedraggled beggar, and feigning enfeeblement, shrewd Codysseus entered the house to confront the suitors.

It so happened that just as wily Codysseus was passing the threshold, a test of strength and skill was beginning. In order to discomfit the suitors, and prove to them their shortcomings, Perlelope had organized a challenge. She announced that she would wed whomsoever could wield the mighty weapon CPAN (Σηπαν), for she knew in the depths of her heart that none but her beloved Codysseus had the fortitude and intelligence to employ such a powerful tool. After calmly watching all of the haughty suitors fail in their attempts, the ill-kempt beggar, much to the astonishment of all present, brandish'd the dread weapon and approached the would-be kings of Skryptica. To the nobleman Roobeus he said "Since you are actually worthy of the title, and bore no dishonourable intentions towards my lady, you may go." Grim Codysseus then turned to the merchant Psython and, forbearing to kill him, struck him gently so as only to break his nose and blacken his eyes, saying "That is for your audacity in presuming to a place far above your standing. Now leave and let me never again see your face, for on that day, you surely shall die." Now Pēatchpe, being weak-hearted, fell groveling to his knees, filling all that place with his cries entreating wrathful Codysseus to do him no harm. But saying "You – thrice damn'd miscreant – did not even have the right to look upon the face of the regal Perlelope, much less aspire to be her husband", he smote Pēatchpe with CPAN, shedding his brains upon the ground and his blood upon the walls. Seeing the skill with which CPAN had been wielded, and the just punishment meted out to the suitors, Perlelope, recognized that this could be none other than her sorely-missed husband. She threw herself into his arms, her face wet with tears of joy.

For many days and nights afterward there was much boisterous celebrating among the inhabitants of Skryptica, generous Codysseus having ordered the slaying of an hundred bristly-backed swine and two hundred wooly ewes so that all the people of that sovereign dominion could partake of the feasting. During this time, amorous Codysseus and his affectionate queen had many occasions to renew their acquaintance and revel in their love for one another. And so it was that several weeks later Perlelope found herself to be with child and, at the appropriate time, the most excellent progeny of the renowned couple and the future Queen of Skryptica, Perlelope-VI, was born.

Stephen B. Jenkins (AKA Erudil) is the senior programmer/analyst at the Aerodynamics Laboratory of the Institute for Aerospace Research, National Research Council Canada. He may be reached at: www.erudil.com.