Dr. Dobb's Journal August 2006
With all the difficulty Microsoft has had managing its message on This-and-That .NET and Everything-and-its-Mother Live, I've been thinking that the company should look to a great communicator for inspiration, and adopt a cute and friendly food name. Like Steve Jobs and Apple. Or Charles Dickens and Muffin...
There was great bustle as their carriage drew up before Moscone Center, and (it being a windy day in the great Metropolis) half a dozen men flew across the street, lofted by the sail of an enormous poster bearing the announcement that a Press Event would be held at one o'clock precisely, for the purpose of unveiling the Universal Microsoft Improved Hot Muffin and Crumpet Solution and Punctual Delivery Service, lifetime subscription one thousand dollars per annum, in perpetuity; which sum was set forth in Trebuchet MS typeface of considerable point-size.
Mr. Ballmer elbowed his way briskly into the building, receiving in return many expressions and gestures of regard from the crowd.
Reaching the podium, this esteemed gentleman dropped forthwith to the floor, performed half a score of one-handed pushups, rebounded to his feet, and screamed like Howard Dean at a victory rally; whereat several gentlemen cried "Bravo!" and not a few of the more delicate-natured ladies were rendered wholly unconscious.
Just at this moment a personage of the public relations profession, feverish with agitation, rushed to the microphone and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, the CEOs of Intel, Wal-Mart, and Victoria's Secret."
This revelation, combined with the subsequent arrival in that very hall of the heralded gentlemen themselves, occasioned such commotion that for several minutes, even so formidable a speaker as Mr. Ballmer was obliged to defer to the chorus of stomping feet, whistles, catcalls, and general effusions of enthusiasm.
When these symptoms had in some degree subsided, the CEO of Intel ascended to the podium, and the effect on the crowd cannot be overstated. That gentleman spoke passionately of the wealth, the happiness, the comfort, the liberty, and the very existence of a free and great people, derived wholly from the existence of so noble an institution as the Universal Microsoft Improved Hot Muffin and Crumpet Solution and Punctual Delivery Service. In closing, he pledged his company's eternal loyalty to Microsoft in this endeavor, and importuned the assembled to no less a commitment.
His words and manner enlisted the audience's sympathies. The men shouted, the ladies wept their pocket-handkerchiefs wet and waved them dry, and Mr. Ballmer embraced the speaker and vowed that his place in Heaven was assured. A spontaneous skirmish broke out among the standees in the back of the hall, which the Security officials admonished by the allocation of several smart and tingling blows with their truncheons.
The next arising to share his feelings on this great occasion, that worthy, the CEO of Victoria's Secret, went into such deep pathetics as to knock the first speaker clean out of the course. You might have heard a pin fall as he described the cruelties inflicted on Google boys by their Google masters in the disreputable alleys and by-ways of unMuffined search. Only the immediate adoption of the Muffin (and, of course, its brother Crumpet) could bring honor, decency, and prosperity to Internet search, Service-Oriented Architecture, and ladies' undergarments.
This, the crowd clearly felt, was the Right Stuff.
Next, there arose the CEO of Wal-Mart, who, having been at the Redwood Room all night, and looking something the worse in consequence, eyed the crowd with a peculiar expression. Eschewing his prepared remarks on projected Muffin marketshare in the 18-45 suburban male demographic, he delivered himself of a series of ribald stories. These were so uproariously received as threw the previous speakers quite into the shade.
When, finally, Mr. Ballmer regained the microphone and podium, the crowd had been stimulated to the high dudgeon and overall attitude of a crowd of hungry lions, and he was put to wonder if he were more serving in the role of lion tamer or of Christian.
It was the challenging duty of this gentleman to explain the naming strategy for the Universal Microsoft Improved Hot Muffin and Crumpet Solution and Punctual Delivery Service. This he did in a trice. Everything, he explained, that was formerly called ".NET Something" or "Something .NET" would now be a Muffin. Further, everything that formerly had "Live" in its name would henceforth be a Crumpet. CRM Live would now be CRM Crumpet. MSN properties would be Crumpets, and services would be referred to as Punctual Deliveries.
This, the crowd appeared to indicate by growls and hurled condiments, might be all very well, but it was a little highbrow for their taste.
"Also, there's free beer on the Mezzanine," Mr. Ballmer added hastily, and the crowd departed as one.
Now that's how to do a press conference.
Michael Swaine
Editor-at-Large
mike@swaine.com