Dr. Dobb's Journal April 2004
I've always thought that there was too much gravity in the world, and have done my best in this space to reduce the load. But I couldn't do it without a lot of help, and it's only right that I acknowledge the contributions of politicians, judges, experts, school boards, eBay shoppers, and corporate executives to keeping it light. For example...
January 30, 2004: The Georgia State Superintendent of Schools has addressed the alarming news that science is being taught in Georgia science classes by proposing to ban the word "evolution" from the state's science curriculum.
"If parents across this state say, 'This is not what we want,' then we'll change it," she explained. Some Georgia legislators felt that the proposed ban on the word alone did not go far enough. "It's stupid. It's like teaching gravity without using the word 'gravity,'" said Representative Bobby Franklin, who apparently favors an outright ban on evolution.
January 31, 2004: Computer virus variants Mydoom.A and Mydoom.B have beaten all previously spread speed records for virus infections, say experts. Asked why anyone would write viruses specifically targeting SCO and Microsoft, one expert said, "It's hard to guess what their motivation might be..."
February 1, 2004: eBay bidding closed yesterday on nothing. "I have lots of nothing I would like to see the back of," said the offerer, "particularly in my bank account. I have more nothing filling my fridge. And my employer continuously provides me with nothing to fulfill my life. So, if you are fortunate enough to need nothing in your life, then this could be the auction for you! I am told that, in life, nothing comes cheap, which is why I am starting bidding at just 1p." The winning bidder paid the equivalent of $11.82 U.S. for nothing.
February 30, 2004: At the Academy Awards this year, a new award category was added. (Former?) Disney CEO Michael Eisner, who recently lost Pixar for Disney, took away the honors as the winner of the Gilbert Amelio Award for Shrewd Handling of Steve Jobs.
February 32, 2004: Faced with yet another barn-sized security hole in its software, this one allowing the nefarious practice known as phishing, Microsoft has decided that it's easier and cheaper to eliminate features than to fix bugs, and is dumping the entire http(s)://username:password@server/resource.ext feature from Internet Explorer. Experts expect Microsoft to make heavy use of this technique, and predict that when Longhorn finally ships in 2010, it will have three features and fit on a floppy disk.
March 12, 2004: Mike Rowe, who gained fame by being threatened by Microsoft's lawyers over his domain MikeRoweSoft.com, settled with Microsoft cheaply. About all he's getting out of them is an XBox, apparently. But that may not be the end of the story. If it's not a hoax, Rowe is selling the threatening letters on eBay, and he's already got one bid for $25,100.
February 47, 2004: A Finnish judge ruled against the Linux vendor Lindows, concluding that computer users in Finland would be confused by the Lindows name into thinking that the company's operating system was a Microsoft product. Clearly the Finns, generally acknowledged to be the most computer-savvy people in the world, would be fooled by the name's similarity to the word "windows," which is of course the exclusive property of Microsoft. The judge will rule shortly on whether Finnish-born programmer Linus Torvalds must change his name to Lars, but there is no word yet on whether he will require Finland to eliminate the offending "in" from its name.
March 62, 2004: Inspired by a remark by Representative Bobby Franklin of Georgia, Congressional Republicans introduced a bill outlawing gravity. "If the theory—and it is just a theory—of this fellow Newton were true," said Representative Tom Foolery, "what would hold up Heaven?" The bill quickly came to a vote after proponents of a theory called "Intelligent Suspension" testified that many physicists regard Newton's theory as having been superseded in the 20th Century, and the Administration's newly appointed Science Advisor, Newt Gingrich, pointed out that repealing gravity would allow Americans to fly to Mars much more cheaply. House Democrats immediately rallied behind the bill, citing compelling CIA intel on flying saucers, and the bill was sent to the Senate for filibustering.
Michael Swaine
editor-at-large
mike@swaine.com