Dr. Dobb's Journal June 2003
Every once in a while, I try to write a column by the technique of prose sampling—using only sentences lifted from other writings. It usually makes about as much sense as one of those awful palindromic poems. This time, I decided to publish the result, not because it's any better than the others, but just to get the urge out of my system. The result can be read as an interview with a software company CEO who's been driven over the edge by Microsoft shock and awe. The sources of the sentences appear at the bottom of the page.
What is your problem?
It's difficult for me to defeat Microsoft. They have a chronic lack of girlfriends, are usually socially inadequate. They want to go into the rainforest of human thought and mow the thing down.
You have to understand the cultural issues there.
The man ain't got no culture. I'd like to poke [name suppressed for legal reasons] in the nose. He's commercialized his own pathologies and repressions into a lucrative career. I bet dollars to donuts he's got a zany "Why be normal?" bumper sticker on his car.
How about Newt Gingrich? Culture is sometimes the enemy.
Newt Gingrich is the authority on nanoelectronics! [He] brings an incredible wealth of knowledge and wisdom to [it] from having helped run the largest organization in the world—the United States government.
I can't talk to you about that because I don't know anything about it.
Microsoft has 15,000 people in their Microsoft Windows division—I have 50 in my entire company—this gives me a significant advantage. We have a meeting room with a big, round, expensive table. We are moving into the field of religion and will be performing real miracles!
Walking on hot coals is a rite of passage—you will never be the same.
Who cares—they've been warned.
There is not a germ of truth in this.
Perhaps the truth is less interesting than the facts?
When did you lose it?
I'm adjusting; I'm mentally prepared to sell my airplane.
Just leave it on the porch, and someone will pick it up.
How's that again? And I thought I was crazy.
Sources (numbers refer to the paragraphs above):
1. Frustrated judge to foot-dragging prosecutor in pre-9/11 trial, United States of America v. Osama bin Laden, et al.
2. Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, showing uncharacteristic lack of bombast. Jan Hruska, CEO antivirus company Sophos, slandering the typical virus writer. John Perry Barlow, slandering everyone in the content, hardware, and software industries.
3. Martin Scorsese, defending his old neighborhood.
4. Paul Simon, "A Simple Desultory Phillipic" in 1965, later sampled by Ragni and Rado in "Culture" in 1967. Ted Turner, on his feelings toward Rupert Murdoch. Journalist Andrew Orlowski, on hate-radio (and now MSNBC-TV) shockjock Michael Savage. "The Filthy Critic," on director and writer Glen Morgan after seeing his remake of the film Willard.
5. Steve Forbes in Forbes magazine, nominating his candidate for postwar Iraqi proconsul. George W. Bush, adding a spoke to the Axis of Evil.
6. Phaedon Avouris, IBM's nano guy, poking fun at clueless technology hypesters. Apple CEO Steve Jobs, kissing up to new Apple board member Al Gore.
7. General Tommy Franks, briefing the press.
8. Michael Robertson, CEO of Lindows.com, laying out his business case. huh? (http://www.huhcorp.com/). Penn Jillette, on Penn & Teller's latest venture.
9. Universal Remembrance University Inc., on their firewalker instruction training.
10. A senior Pentagon official, on the possible fatal consequences if the military follows through on its threat to fire on the satellite uplink positions of independent journalists in Iraq. (Also my defense regarding this whole column.)
11. Tom Cruise, defending his heterosexuality in a deposition.
12. Amy Weiss, Senior VP of Communications, Recording Industry Association of America, demonstrating her communication skills with a particularly difficult question.
13. Hokkaido Prefectural Police web site, "What the police will ask you."
14. Ted Turner again, reflecting on the AOL experience and exaggerating his mental stability.
15. John Hamlin, senior vice president of Dell's U.S. consumer business, on Dell's not-so-PC PC recycling program.
16. Title of Huumor.com column of newspaper bloopers. Judy Reiser, from her book of the same name.
Michael Swaine
editor-at-large
mike@swaine.com