Dr. Dobb's Journal June 2002
Bailiff: Hear ye, hear ye, cybercourt is now in session, Judge Thaddeus Dredd Lynch, presiding. Lock up your daughters and guard your loose change.
Judge Lynch: Marshall, have that man placed in the penalty box and revoke his library card. Never mind that, just find out what madman put coffee in my coffeecup. Now I'll be awake through the whole trial. Bailiff!
Bailiff: Here, your majesty.
Judge Lynch: That's "honor."
Bailiff: Aw, don't mention it. It was nothin'.
Judge Lynch: Well, I won't argue with that.
Bailiff: You should hear what I call you when you're not around.
Judge Lynch: Say, I've got a good mind to cut off your broadband access.
Bailiff: Go on, cut it off. I haven't accessed a broadband in years.
Judge Lynch: That's the saddest thing I've heard since I tried to listen to streaming audio over a 28.8 modem. But at the risk of injecting an unwonted note of professionalism into what I laughingly call the proceedings, what I wanted to ask you — if you have a minute, you understand, I wouldn't want to presume — what's my first case?
Bailiff: Oh, it's a tough one, boss. It's an intellectual property case.
Judge Lynch: That's fine. That's no problem. I'm as intellectual as the next sap. How's it look?
Bailiff: Open and shut, your sappiness. You got a big mean company, Intel, pickin' on a poor innocent charity that teaches yoga to prisoners, battered wives, and inner city school kids.
Mason: Your honor, I object.
Bailiff: Whoa! What was that?
Judge Lynch: I'm not sure, but I think one of the lawyers in the case is trying to horn in on our little tête-à-tête. Just a minute, counselor. Considering the leitmotif of our chin session today, I'm going to ask that you lawyers properly acknowledge all corporate trademarks and service marks and marks of the beast and other instances of intellectual property that you use in your presentations today. I think that's only fair. God knows, I try to be fair.
Mason: And you always are, your honor.
Judge Lynch: Shut up, you mealy mouthed shyster. Now what was I saying? Oh, yes. You may proceed, counselor.
Mason: Thank you, your honor. I'm Jason Mason, of Mason, Berger, Tragg, Drake, and Street, and I'm here representing Intel (Trademark, Intel), and I just want to be (Registered Trademark, Palm Computing) sure (Registered Service Mark, Procter & Gamble) that my client gets treated fairly in this court.
Judge Lynch: Well, anything's possible. Is the attorney for the other side here, or can we all log off and go fishing?
McBeal: Here, your honor. Lucille McBeal for the plaintiff.
Judge Lynch: Well, that's your problem. Call your first witness.
McBeal: The plaintiff calls Shameless Pettifog. And your honor, this is a hostile witness.
Bailiff: Pontiff calls hostile witless Pettifog! Hostile witless Pettifog, do you swear and tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothin' but the truth?
Witness: I do.
Bailiff: You may kiss the bride.
McBeal: Mr. Pettifog, you are the Vice President in charge of frivolous lawsuits at Intel (Trademark, Intel), are you not?
Witness: That's right, I'm the VPICFL.
McBeal: And in that capacity, did you threaten the Yoga Inside Foundation with legal (Service Mark, The Law Review) action because it runs a web site called "Yoga Inside?"
Witness: All right! All right! I confess! It was a scurrilous, frivolous, boondoggle of a lawsuit. And a right fine one, if I do say so myself.
Mason: Your honor, I (lowercase, Registered trademark, Apple Computer; uppercase, Registered Trademark, Intel) object (Registered service mark, The Object Group) ! (Registered trademark and copyright 1994, Yahoo!) This entire proceeding is (Registered mark, Information Systems magazine) a mockery and a sham (Possible-confusion suit pending, Hormell Inc.). It's about as serious as a Marx (Service Mark, Communist Party International) Brothers sketch (Trademark, Alias Limited Industrial Software Products).
Judge Lynch: Oh yeah? Well I think Intel trying to claim ownership over the word "inside" is about as serious as a two-bit comedy sketch in a third-rate comedy club. Whattaya think about them apples, bunky? Court finds for the plaintiff and awards punitive damages of three years of ridiculing rights.
Bailiff: Budda bing, budda boo, Judge Lynch got you! Court's adjourned.
Michael Swaine
editor-at-large
mike@swaine.com