Dr. Dobb's Journal January 2002
To: Sean Sputz, Director of Marketing, HCI
From: Jeremy Guire, Event Coordinator, HCI
Subject: 10, 9, 8...
Sean,
The crue is sooted up and ready for the launch, and I don't mind emitting that all of us here at Missing Control are wired like John Belushi with the antipathation. This is my first and I hope last Progress Retort. But you axed for it.
As you know, Sean, it's been three years since the last relief of Hamilton Cloyd Mousing Tutor. The new HCMT eXtra Pointers virgin rolls together the OEM, consumer, and SOHO virgins of HCMT, and if I knew what any of that meant I'd have your high-pain job with the private cubichole and the official company coughy mug instead of the Thrift Shop desk in the weirhouse and the awesome responsibility over All Things Plywood that are my humbull place in the culprit world. Anyway, I totally get it that this launch is a big deal for Hamilton Cloyd Inc., and that we want to do it up brown. For which I could use more green, since I blue the budget. Just thought I'd Manson that faq one more time before I mauve on to the Powerpoint bullets.
Bullet: The venue. Venue was a thorny issue this year, and the venue committee (me) anxed over it for about an hour, including lunch. The obvious site was En Why See, the Big Apple, the yaddayadda capital of the world, Madhattan. I shall not dwell on the reason why the big En Why started looking problematical, but suffuse it to say that I took a vote and it was unonymously decided that the list should be broadened. But not to go overbroad, I thought we might restract our options to those states where HCI is not currently being sued. There're about a score of them. As for countries or continence, I guess technically we are no longer being sued by the US Deportment of Justice since we're now in the penalty phrase for that little caper, but the EU is a definite NO. And the same goes for anyplace I have to fly to, Sean, I may as swell tell you right now. It's not the crashing thing; I just can't handle Federal martials. Too bad, because accordion to a news retort at space.com, NASA has nothing but raves for Melas Chasma, Terra Meridiani, Gusev Crater, and Athabasca Vallis for its own upcoming launch, and we're not being sued on Mars.
To cut a long story short, haltimately I decided on good old New Yawk, mostly because I couldn't raise the subway fear to get out of town. Memo to self: Get blessing of Hizzonner Rudy for holding our event in Our Fare City (yeah, rite).
Bullet: The attitude. OK, this is why HCI highered me, I'm totally sure. Company needed an expert on attitude. So what's the appropriated attitude for a company to cop in launching a new virgin of its flakship product when the company holds a meanopoly in the market and has been convicted of abusing that mineopoly?
Arrogant but humble.
As ex-amplified by, let's see, some preformer who plays the cocky rockstar role, but is evidentially embarassed by it. Like, um, Sting. Perfect. I'll lend HCI my aunt's Sting seedies for the prelaunch party. Speaking of muzak, I want to say once again that it was my incredecessor in this job, not me, who picked the Rolling Stones' "Start Me Up" for the HCMT 95 launch. I think I have peeviously Mansoned that this classic enshrines the lines, "You make a grown man cry," "I can't compete with the riders in the other heats," "My eyes dilate, my lips go green," and "Spread the oil, the gasoline," and if you can extricate a positive mousing tutor message from any of that, Sean my mon, be my guess.
Bullet: The timing. Imus nervous and giddy as Elsa Launchester in Bride of Frankenstein, but it's too late to reschedule, so cross all your appendages that nobully else thinks October 25, 2001, would be a good product launch date. BTW, Sean, if there is any way, short of kidnapping him and locking him in a batesment for the due ration of the launch, which I would not hacktually rule out now that I think of it, that you can prevent our beloved CEO from doing his gorilla impression at the launch, that would, imho, be nifty.
Whatever,
Jeremy
Michael Swaine
editor-at-large
mike@swaine.com