With spring in the air, it's time for spring cleaning, and what better place to start than the overflowing file cabinet in the corner. The truth of the matter is that this is the first chance I've had at clearing the debris from the Loma Prieta earthquake. Okay, I can already hear you saying "That was nearly two years ago!" That's right, but I've been waiting for my disaster relief check and it hasn't arrived yet.
It's like this: Right after the earthquake, the state legislature passed a special sales tax for earthquake relief. Although state coffers subsequently swelled to the tune of $700 million, little of the relief fund reached those in need. Not only that, but auditors discovered that $500 million is missing. I guess if the bureaucrats can get away with losing that kind of money, I can be excused for misplacing the occasional press release. But on to the file cabinet ....
In the heat of the Persian Gulf battle, novelist-turned-wine-columnist Lew Perdue sent out sham news releases for a "Desert Storm 486" PC ("The Mother of all Boards"), complete with testimonials from George Bush and Norman Schwartzkopf. Shortly thereafter, Intel sent out its press releases announcing the "Military i486" that joins ranks with the Mil 386, 860, and 960 processors. Ada compilers are in the works too.
The demand for Michael Swaine's videotapes--particularly A Tribute to Bill Gates and Groupthink: Getting Ready for Groupware--mentioned in recent "Swaine's Flames" has generated more phone calls than I can keep up with. He's created the demand, let's see if a product follows.
If you remember, Michael first described what he calls the "client-funded paradigm" back in December, 1989, where you advertise and take orders for a product that doesn't exist yet, then use the income for actual development. Sounds good, as long as you're not the one answering the phone.
The last time I heard from them, the Invention Submission Corporation was pushing an improved pocket protector that helped "white collar workers achieve a more polished, professional image by protecting costly business wear from leaking pens and sharp pencil points." They've recently done themselves one better, though, with this phony release:
A Silicon Valley inventor has created an intelligent alternative to ordinary breakfast cereals. Brain Bran combines the wholesome goodness of bran fiber with a unique ingredient that makes you more intelligent with each spoonful. Special intellect-enhancing enzymes go to work as you eat, raising your IQ while the bran increases your fiber content. This tasty new breakfast treat can offer a fighting chance for kids who are struggling in school, and it won't go soggy in milk. Adults can also use it as a snack before essential business meetings, interviews, or MENSA tests.
Between the rock of the FTC and the hard place of Apple, Microsoft switchboard operators will likely be answering the phones with "This is Microsoft. Call my lawyer." First it was the FTC investigation surrounding OS/2 (which doesn't need any more bad press), then the news that the inquiry had widened to operating systems, applications software, and hardware peripherals, and more recently notification that Apple was appending its GUI lawsuit to include Windows 3.
The only known quantity in this muddle is that expensive lawyers will be doing legal tap-dances for months to come. Maybe it's time to establish a legal defense fund.
No, Microsoft doesn't need your money -- goodness knows they can afford their own lawyers -- but the bedeviled Bellevue barristers could probably use some good advice and suggestions from impartial parties. I'll start by throwing in my two-cents worth.
Perhaps Microsoft could launch its FTC defense by saying, "If we were guilty of making unfair use of inside information, our software would work better and come out sooner than everyone else's." The Feds would then have to prove otherwise. I'll leave the Windows alibis up to you.
It's time to stop rummaging through the file cabinet and move on to other corners in the office. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and turn up that missing $500 million.
Copyright © 1991, Dr. Dobb's JournalFrom the "Life Imitates Art" File
From the "Art Imitates Life" File
From the "Best Unused Press Release of the Week" File
From the "Microsoft Legal Defense Fund" File
Closing the File Drawer