The following narrative was recently discovered among the effects of J.R.R. Tolkien. It appears to describe an incident from an alternative version of Lord of the Rings, in which the Hobbit Bilbo has kept the ring of power and is consolidating his position as absolute ruler of Middle Earth. This text is a translation from the original, which was written in Cryptic, a difficult language of Tolkien's invention. Bilbo is referred to throughout as "The Chairman."
"What is the status of Project Platform Independence?" asked the Chairman, resting his elbows on the table and pushing his glasses up. "I don't know where we get these strange code names."
"Total virtuality will not now be long in the coming," said Gandalf the Grey, the VP for VR. "I am in the process of instituting complete Virtual Environment control."
"You're a wizard, G.G. What does that mean, exactly?"
"That your subjects will be able to work in a boat on the Brandywine and be convinced that they are in a glade in Lorien, or work on the slopes of Erebor and perceive themselves at the Grey Havens, listening to the surf."
"Where will they actually be working?" asked the Chairman.
"We've set up cubicles in the caves of Moria."
"Well, that sounds all right," said the Chairman, "but what's the trouble on the language front, Frodo? I ask you to make everyone speak our language, Simple, and you let an army of Eunuchs spread their religious doctrine of Crypticism throughout Middle Earth, with the result that now everybody is speaking Cryptic. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Ahem, that was strategic, Mr. Chairman," said Frodo. "It is easier to defeat a single enemy than many. Now that Cryptic has taken over, we have only to displace it."
"Hmph. That may be so, but I think I'd better have a report on how Simple development is going."
Sam Gamgee, the Simple developer, blushed in embarrassment and stood up. "Your Chairmanship, sir," said he, "work on the new version of Simple is near completion, sir, and like always, Your Lordship, it's completely different from previous versions, save for the name Simple and a few vulgarisms like goto."
"Heh. The Gaffer would have been speechless without his gotos, wouldn't he, the old pervert."
"Yes sir, Your Pleasance, and very kind of you it is to remember my late father. The new version is based on a military dialect of Entish called Ada++, if it please Your Worship."
"Add Plus Plus?" said the Chairman. "That sounds a little redundant."
"Bless Your Grace's wit, sir, if redundancy isn't sure enough its long suit, but it's spoke like 'Ada Plus Plus,' Your Magnificence. Named after a book by some Nabokov feller, some says."
"Whatever," said the Chairman. "But you haven't told me what's new in this version."
"It's got a new what you call your orientation, Your Honor. The whole language is about getting the job done, if you take my meaning. We're calling it Objective-Oriented Simple."
"Well, when it's released," said the Chairman, "make sure it's called The Chairman's Simple, as always. Now, Gimli Gloin's son, what was it that I asked you to do?"
The Dwarf laid his ax on the table and stared stoically at it. "To go forth with mighty Dwarfish battalions and to bend the isles of Iac to your will, Sire."
"Ah, yes. How's that going?"
"Hard is the task, Sire. The Windward isles we hold in thrall, but the Isle of the Eunuchs and the Maggotish Land yet resist our iron will. But I have sent brave Ole to infiltrate their systems, and by Durin's beard, we shall prevail ere long!"
"Well, I certainly hope so," said the Chairman, pressing down his cowlick. "Look, fellows, I want all these projects wrapped up ASAP. I want people, whatever their actual environments, to be working in a virtual environment that we define. I want all of them using one language, and I want it to be our language. And I want complete control of all of Iac. Now, when am I going to see all of this?"
"Real soon now!" they cried in unison.
"Super."
Copyright © 1991, Dr. Dobb's Journal