The gravest domestic threat facing our nation today is software bugs. Oh, I could talk about the deficit, the situation in Central America, the destruction of the tropical rain forests and the ozone layer, the homeless, the victims of last year's natural disasters, or this year's former employees of former Defense contractors. But what's the point? I'm not going to do anything about any of those problems. But when it comes to bugs, I have a program.
Bugs are our most serious problem in America today. Bugs are sapping our strength as a nation.
I'm holding in my hand, right now as I type this column, a bug-infected diskette, seized a few days ago by Bug Eradication Administration (BEA) agents in a park right across the street from the White House. Now, you may be wondering why a bug pusher would be doing his dirty work in such an unlikely place. I'll tell you why. He was there because I instructed BEA agents to lure him there and make their bust there so that I would have a dramatic story to tell you.
The point of the story is this: Bugs are bad. Bugs cost billions of dollars in lost productivity. Bugs threaten the strength of the family and the happiness of our children. Walk into any arcade in any large city in America and you'll see innocent children, red-eyed from crying because their high scores were erased by a software bug. It just breaks my heart to see that.
To combat this terrible menace, I have outlined and will be presenting at Software Development 90 this month a comprehensive program, based on the broad legislative and executive powers that you, the software development community, voted to give me at last year's SD89. I promised two things last year: No New Paradigms, and to make the streets safe for your sisters and daughters to walk. My program, which employs no new paradigms, is a street-cleaning, three-pronged attack in a national war on bugs.
Prong One: Enforcement. We've got to make it hot for the buglords. We know who they are: They're software developers. They are the people responsible for these terrible bugs invading our systems. Without them, there wouldn't be any bugs.
Too many people make excuses for these bug pushers. "Oh, that's not a bug," they say, "that's an undocumented feature." Or, "That's how the product is supposed to work; it's in the documentation." Well, those excuses aren't going to work any more. I will be recommending passage, by the attendees of the conference, of the Zero Tolerance Act for software bugs. Under this act, software written after April 1, 1990 must contain no bugs. To facilitate this plan, I will be presenting further legislation requiring that any software covered by the legislation and released after April 1, 1990, be written in Ada. This will, my advisors tell me, guarantee zero software bugs. This legislation calls for mandatory jail sentences for anyone programming in any other language than Ada. This will be implemented in an innovative six-and-six program: Six months on arrest, and another six months if convicted. If I've heard one thing from the law-enforcement community, it's that they're tired of having the courts release the criminals they arrest. This program should be a step in the right direction.
Forth programmers will be shot.
And I'm not forgetting the victims of the buglords: The users of buggy software. We're going to get them, too. I'm also presenting at SD90, as part of my comprehensive program, a far-reaching Victim Incarceration Program, or VIP, that will make it a criminal offense to knowingly use buggy software. That ought to bring the message home to everybody. The key here is, we all have to take responsibility for our actions.
I'm calling on all patriotic Americans to do their part. If you suspect someone in your workgroup of using buggy software, call this toll-free number: 1-800-BUG-ABOO.
And don't be deterred by the fact that the user is a member of your family. Sure, we can clean up the streets and the offices of America, but it won't do much good unless we clean up the families, too. Let's crush those bugs and put family values back into the family.
Prong Two: Education. I have outlined and will be presenting at SD90 a comprehensive, broad-bandwidth program of public bug education. The program is called BAB: Bugs Are Bad. I am gratified to announce that I have secured the cooperation of all the major television networks. This next season, all sitcoms, all miniseries, and all docudramas will carry the message to the American people: Bugs Are Bad. All network news programs will concentrate on software bug stories. And most important, major sports and entertainment figures have joined with me in this educational campaign. I'd like at this time to share this thought from one great American:
"I swore off computers for about a year and a half -- the end of the ninth grade and all of the tenth. I tried to be normal, the best I could." -- Bill Gates.
I know you are with me in praying that this fine young man gets back on the wagon.
For the technical community, the networks are going to continue running the thought-provoking "This is your CPU on bugs" message. But we're going to keep the message simple for the folks out there in the heartland: Bugs Are Bad.
In another aspect of the educational prong of this program, I am proposing the building of 8000 new jails nationwide. Never underestimate the educational value of six months in the slammer.
Enforcement: Get the bad guys. Education: Bugs Are Bad.
Third prong: Treatment. I will be presenting at SD90 a budget of $600 for bug treatment programs. Some people will say this is not enough. Some people think you can solve a problem by throwing money at it, but I think there are better things to throw.
That's the three-pronged program. I'm pleased to announce that, to carry out this ambitious, comprehensive program, I have appointed my Cousin Corbett to the newly created post of Bug Czar. As head of the nation's bug eradication program, Corbett will have broad powers, including the right to search files without warrant, tap phones, disassemble code, and break shrink-wrap license agreements. I call this the CRime And Punishment, or CRAP, program. That's pronounced see-rap. One powerful tool that I am placing in Corbett's hands is the proposed new legislation supporting mandatory bug testing at all places of business.
I wish I could tell you that we're going to be able to eliminate all bug use in America, but that would be insincere. We will spare no expense to wipe out computer viruses, which are responsible for fully one-hundredth of one percent of lost productivity due to bugs. And you can rest assured that we will lean heavily on the cheapo shareware and freeware channels. I have the notorious Richard Stallman under FBI surveillance right now. But there will be a few common bugs that will not come under the jurisdiction of the BEA. We have no intention of harassing Microsoft, Ashton-Tate, Lotus, or any other producer of the fine software that has made this nation what it is today. After all, the occasional system crash is not really a bug. We will, however, continue to restrict use of their products on commercial air flights.